Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Pass the rice cakes...

For the very first time in my life, I am on a diet.
Many are muttering "big deal" right now, and I agree. It is definitely not a big deal. So what if I'm fat; in the words of George Lopez, "hey, I'm married now. I don't care what I look like".

Nonetheless, I am a fat guy...but once upon a time I definitely was not. When I graduated from high school I weighed a manageable 165 pounds, on the low side for my height. I was thin. As a matter of fact, for much of my life I was pretty much skin and bone. When others were sporting six-packs I had piano keys.

Not so much any more. My washboard abs have three loads of wash on 'em. My size 28 jeans are smaller than my sweat socks. I have to buy suits "special order" at J.C. Penny's. When I tie my shoes I can't breathe. You learn how to tie fast. Somewhere between "I do" twenty years ago and dinner this evening my metabolism slowed down to a crawl, and everything I eat instantly manifests itself on my growing belly. I look like I'm entering the latter part of my third trimester. Lest I exaggerate, I'm not going into the Guiness Book of World Records any time soon; Robert Earl Hughes can keep his crown (see enclosed picture of Mr. Hughes). But I am...plump. Hence the diet. I am now on day five. After carefully looking at my normal intake, I estimated my daily caloric intake at about 4,000. So, I cut it in half. 2000 calories. And I'M STARVING.

I have no idea how much I weigh. I know that sounds a little crazy; I know that most dieters pay close attention to that. I just don't feel real comfortable on a scale these days. It's sort of like that message you KNOW is on the voice mail that you just don't want to listen to, so you leave it blinking for about a week. It isn't going anywhere, and avoiding the message won't make it go away, but avoidance is about the best you can do. That's me and my weight. I have rationalized that I am not playing a numbers game, it's all about how I feel. But the bottom line is I just don't want to know the truth. What I do want is to be able to breathe when I tie my shoes. And I'm willing to eat steamed broccoli and cauliflower for lunch to get there.

My goal is to have washboard abs by the summer. With just ONE load of laundry on the washboard.

1 comment:

  1. Good Luck. I did a diet last year - 40 lbs.

    Alas, I did not break all the bad habits, and 25 came back. Sigh. Back to it.

    If it's any inspiration, Mike Huckabee lost 100 and has pretty much kept it off. Now if we can only get him nominated in 2012!


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