Saturday, April 4, 2009

A little self deprecation, just for fun...


I’m thinking today about the differences between men and women. I am a man, as you probably are aware because my name is David. Though I was taught in grade school by a Sister David, ninety-nine times out of a hundred most Daves are guys. Anyhoo, I am somewhat of an expert on how to be a man as I have been at it for about forty-one years. I am sure there are aspects of guydom that I have yet to experience as I age: balding is not yet an issue, my prostate is pretty good, I won’t retire for another twenty-six years, no grandkids yet, and I haven’t needed any medication for…ahem…any sensitive problems. Other than that I feel fairly confident that I could hold my own on a panel discussion about guys. Not that there ever would be such a discussion; most guys are not that interested in sitting around and chatting about the intricacies of being who and what we are. We just want to watch the hockey game. If there ever is a panel discussion on being a man it would probably be formed by a woman, and I wouldn’t have to be such an expert anyway as I wouldn’t be talking much.

I am definitely NOT an expert on women. I have never been one. I have, on the other hand, been married to one for twenty years and have five daughters, and a cat named Debbie. Oh, and one gave birth to me and raised me. Other than that I have little experience with women. I have, though, occasionally looked up from the TV and have observed a few things:

1. Women like to talk about their feelings. And most other things.
2. Women talk to themselves a lot, especially when they are cleaning, and especially when they are cleaning around my laz-y-boy recliner.
3. Women like to plan ahead. And talk about it.
4. Women think out loud.
5. Women think we don’t know a boat load of crud about being sensitive and open to feelings and insipirations. Whatever.
6. Women do not like bodily sounds. Like it’s not natural or something.
7. Women will complain about the toilet seat up but think it’s fine to clog up a hairbrush with six pounds of hair.
8. Women cry when they are sad. Or happy. Or confused. Or watching a McDonald’s commercial on Thanksgiving morning.

Now none of this was done scientifically, it’s all anecdotal. But I think it is a fairly accurate list. Other than that I am pretty much in the dark. While for the most part I get along fine with the opposite sex, there are bumps in the road every now and again. Well, maybe more than that. But so far this morning everything’s okay.

It can all be traced back to the very beginning. When God made Adam and decided he needed a partner, he took a rib from his chest while he slept (the first use of anesthesia?) and formed a woman. This explains man’s love for bar-b-cue baby-back ribs. He has been trying to get his rib back ever since. Eve got them both in hot water by eating fruit from the tree of life. Hence a man will always choose pepperoni over fresh fruit at a party. It’s a fact. Eve had a fairly lengthy conversation with the Serpent. Adam pretty much just showed up, took her word for it and ate the fruit. Another example of the dangers of fresh fruit. And talking.

Overall, I am pretty fond of women. Sure, I may appear to zone out when my wife is discussing meal plans for the coming seasons, but I’ll sure enjoy the food when it gets here. Yes, they do get emotional, but, hey, I cry when Ty Pennington yells “move that bus” too. So what if they don’t like bodily sounds…we’ll save ‘em for later. To borrow from a famous movie quote: Women…complete us.

So, guys, get up off that Laz-y-Boy, give your little lady a kiss, and tell her you love her. Then go check the fridge for pepperoni. The hockey games starts in in twenty minutes.

2 comments:

  1. Dave, Dave, Dave....this is HILARIOUS. I laughed through the whole thing. And then at the end, I cried. Guess that's cuz I'm a woman!:)

    ReplyDelete

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