Saturday, April 4, 2009

A proud moment: my first audit!

The State of New York, which has about forty-three bucks left in the bank this week, has sent a letter stating that they cannot verify my income or how much I paid for them to spend with abandon and thusly I ain't gettin no moolah. I have to submit my W-2 form, social security cards for my wife and I, my daughter's college tuition bill and reciepts stating I paid them, proof that any man could possibly have nine children, and a photo of my mother when she was sixteen. Okay, that last one I made up.
Once the Big Packet of My Stuff is mailed to the appropriate agency post office box, the State of New York, which recently had to cancel Thursdays and Fridays because they're just too dog gone expensive, will then process my information. How long, you may ask, is the processing period? THREE MONTHS. Apparently if there was any money left they may have been able to process my Big Packet of Stuff sooner, but with Thursdays and Fridays cancelled, what can you do.

Got me thinking...

I am going to send a letter to the electric company. Every month they ask me for money, but how do I know if all that electricity is really coming in my house? Have you ever SEEN electricity? I want an electrical audit.

How about the gas company? Sure it smells like rotten eggs when I turn on the stove burners, but rotten eggs smell that way, too. Am I getting 100% gas, or are they pumping in some bad egg stink? I want a gas audit.

Telephone? I definitely did NOT ask all those telemarketers to call. Am I paying for THAT? I want to pay for things I want, not things that annoy me...I want a phone audit.

Speaking of the State of New York, I pay taxes every two weeks out of my paycheck. I've got a sneaking suspicion somebody is getting paid to process audits and is taking their good sweet time. They might even be playing free cell or something instead of opening my Big Packet of Stuff. I want an audit audit.
I'll withhold payment for processing. Three months.


  1. Gee, they didn't ask you for an official birth certificate, did they? If they did, you could argue that President Obama didn't have to show his.

  2. Actually, I sympathize. I was the executor of my grandmother's estate, and two years after she died the IRS came after her demanding she pay taxes on an inheritance she had received. I had to prove she was dead, then prove that it was an inheritance, file taxes for that year, etc. Even the IRS guy I was working with shook his head at the lunacy of it all. Good luck.

  3. It is all going away with Obama's 'death' tax anyway, eventually. If they don't get your money now, they'll take it from your kids. Don't you know that having children is not part of being a member of Obamanation? Certainly they can't imagine a family, a real family, with two heterosexual parents who are married and welcomed lots of children. Sounds a bit fishy to the death squad mentality in Albany and D.C. Oy.


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