Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ill from the monotony of my suffering...

My wife has quite irritatingly lost somewhere near six gazillion pounds over the last year through no conscious effort of her own and has suddenly achieved the figure of her youth.  She smugly announced recently that she currently weighs the same that she did on our wedding day.   I, contrarily, weigh somewhat more than I did that blessed day; somewhere in the vicinity of a side of beef more.  I wear my wedding tux pants like leg warmers on cold Buffalo nights while dreaming of what my washboard abs might look like without all the wash piled on top.

Ironically, I live directly across the street from a gym.  I have stared with envy many a morning as lean, health-conscious men and women trekked from their Subarus to the elipticals, sipping their Evian and sporting pricey athletic shoes purchased with home equity loans.  I considered membership, but somehow felt my zubaz pants and Sabres sweatshirt stained with chicken wing sauce might contrast with the sculpted UnderArmour worn by the gym's "membres favorises."  Oh bother.  Angst is easily cured with a honey glazed cruller and a French vanilla cappuccino from the drive-thru at Timmy Horton's.

I finally tired of breathing like an emphysematic chain smoker after minimal activity about a month ago, walked the previously unfathomable chasm across the street (approximately fifty feet), and purchased a membership.  This was just six weeks ago.  So much has transpired since then.  Such pain.  Such agony.

After three weeks of frantic exercise, staring at the "no pain, no gain" sign emblazoned on the gym wall, sweating like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, I have achieved two significant milestones:  I lost ten  pounds and herniated a disc in my lumbar spine.  I spent two days in the hospital enduring stern looking nurses injecting massive doses of steroids and narcotics in my veins like a major league baseball player on a Toronto holiday.  After nearly three weeks of walking like Quasimoto, I have finally regained the ability to walk erect, and to sit comfortably in the car while eating a cruller.

It has been about a week since the pain has gone, and the gym taunts me.  I tell my friends and family that I will go back, that it is only a matter of time before I'm back on the treadmill and perspiring profusely.  I have convinced myself that I have kept the ten pounds off.  But who am I kidding.  That gym is a house of horror, and I'm in the throes of post-traumatic stress.  I'm going to Timmy's.


  1. I read this laughing while eating some Ben & Jerry's. So sad, but I am on vacation this week. I haven't lost 10 pounds and my discs are good...maybe because of lack of excercise. :)
    Cathy E.

  2. Well done! Ten pounds is amazing.

    I bought a second hand diet book yesterday, which I glanced at on the bus, on the way home. I don't do the gym, as I am a bit of a loner with stuff like exercise and diet. This book promises you lose a stone (14ibs) in twelve weeks, and exercise includes a twenty minute walk the first week, and squats the second and something else the third week, and then in rotation after that?!?.
    I'm sorry, I don't know why I just typed all that out.

    Anyway, I am seriously thinking about starting this diet, maybe tomorrow........

  3. David, you are one of a kind! LMAO! Sorry to hear that you ended up as a patient after I spotted you crawling down the hall the day we met...however, you DID look miserable and there is nothing worse than disc pain. I hope you are on the mend and able to return to said gym, even if you have to wear your "leg warmers!!"

  4. Oh my David! Love love love this blog!! I am a fan of yours for a very long time as you well know. Glad to hear you are the mend with your back, I really did not like seeing you IN a hospital bed. Good luck with the weight loss honey. I suffer from the same problem and have lost so much weight over the years I should be invisible.....but the chips and beer always win in the end! Hope to see you soon and Happy Easter to you and yours!

  5. Funny! Thanks for the laugh when the rest of the world is so serious!

    Hope your back is better soon!

  6. Hahahahaha! I sure am glad I stumbled upon your blog this morning. Wow, does this resonate with me! With all good intentions I joined a gym six months ago... and have endured knee and back pain ever since. Anyway, God has clearly gifted you with a knack for the written word-- I am laughing out loud!

    Thank you, this has been a brutal week with all the Benedict-bashing in the media, and I needed a coupla nyuks. I hope you are feeling better soon! Remember to pray for our Holy Father.


  7. Thank you everyone for your encouragement or lack thereof in my effort to slim down and shape up! I thought a little levity in a tough week was in order; glad it was well received.


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