Sunday, January 2, 2011

Resolution?

I hold a grudge.

It gnaws at me. I am confronted with it weekly, and cowardly shrink from addressing it. It is a point of angst for me, and I ruminate on my inability to resolve the pain associated with the situation. As time has passed my anger and disappointment in my foe has abated and has been replaced with anger and disappointment in myself. I find myself longing for the friendship, the conversation, the confidences shared…yet week after week I am static.

A part of me fears rejection: I am not the only one angry and disappointed. I am not akin to confrontation, nor my foe, and so we stand off. We share a quick temper and sharp tongue when cornered; mutual self-awareness has impeded reconciliation, I fear. I am acutely aware of the possible repercussions of confrontation -- I fabricate fantastic and horrible engagements. We are similar in many ways, particularly our faults, which has led to prolonged pain and estrangement.

We consider one another men of faith…yet we behave contrarily in this regard.

It's funny how I try to make my grudge seem effortless. My nonchalance is carefully honed. We look face to face in the safety of separation, but in casual encounters I practice avoidance. I have crafted many a speech in which I am blameless, a victim. They hold no truth. I share much blame. I have heard it said that many forget the original wrong when harboring grudges; I have not. I remember the words, the demeanor, the insinuations. At least I think I do.

I chose to minimize the insult. It hasn't worked; it has festered. As time passed the relevancy of addressing the situation has seemed to shift away, and we've simply ignored one another. I made one half-hearted attempt to reconcile, though it was not honest -- choosing instead to pretend that everything was as it was before. It didn't work, and my weak and dishonest advance was rejected. Rightfully so.

And so, here I am, on the feast of "Little Christmas", musing on my failure to fix what should have been long ago, and considering it loss. I want it to end, but at this point have no clue how to begin.

So I pray. I am sure he is praying, too. Perhaps we will listen.

All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. (And) be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. Ephesians, 4:31-32

5 comments:

  1. "The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." - Chapter 5, What's Wrong With The World, 1910 ...G.K. Chesterton

    thought for the moment..

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  2. Write him an honest letter. Take responsiblility for your part. Keep your side of the street, clean. Accept you are powerless over the outcome.

    They teach you this in AA.

    Good luck.

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  3. Great advice, Shadowlands. I will do it. AA knows more about mending fences than anybody, I would guess, so I will consider it expert advice. Thank you.

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  4. it is never to late to fix a broken relationship. May God give you the grace you need. happy new year!

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  5. Another helpful saying in AA, is to watch who or what is renting space in your head. You are the landlord, so if thoughts are stressing you, but bringing in no benefits, evict them! They don't pay enough rent to take up so much space/time/worry anyway!

    It's one day at a time with all these suggestions ofcourse. Many need repeating regularly, just like everday house cleaning. You never know what you're going to find when you take a mental broom to your own head space!! Use the Holy Spirit as a torch light. He removes allsorts of lurkers, fear, resentment, anger etc...and replaces them with His fruits.

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